I’m in my mid-thirties and I still cringe when I think back to my mother sitting me down for “the talk” before I left for an eight-week summer teen tour across Israel. Thankfully, I’ve blocked most of it out, but I’m pretty sure there was something about using protection and her only being a collect call away (this was, of course, way before cell phones!).
For most of us, the thought of talking to our parents about their money situation conjures a similar kind of pit in our stomachs—and given all the things we balance as adults (including our own finances), raising this incredibly awkward subject with either or both of our parents is usually one of the last things we want to cross off our list.
But checking in with your parents about their long-term financial security is just as important as communicating with your child about the facts of life, and doesn’t have to be nearly as painful as people envision, especially if you’re coming at it from the right place, and you ask at the right time and in the right way.
Make Sure You’re In The Right Frame Of Mind
Whenever I advise clients on this subject, I always ask them to repeat after me: This is my parents’ money, not mine. It may sound obvious, but people can easily lose sight when it comes to their parents’ finances and feel ownership over assets that, well, just aren’t theirs. You have no legal claim on your parents’ investments or the home you grew up in (anymore than they do over yours) and they have no legal obligation to share any of their personal information with you. So get into the right frame of mind before you even think about approaching them. Remember: this is about making sure your parents have enough money and medical insurance to live a healthy, happy life as they age.
This is not the place to ask about who inherits this or that. I firmly believe that every parent should discuss the contents of their wills with their adult children (big surprises tend to breed all sorts of resentment issues) and that you can never over-communicate when it comes to estate planning; but in this discussion, your inheritance should be an entirely separate dialogue with your mother or father.
Make Sure You Pick The Right Time
Consider your parents’ “effective age” and if it’s really the right time to start communicating about their long-term financial planning. The terms “aging” and “elderly” can be rather relative. These days, two people can be the same chronological age but inhabit very different stages of their life.
Are your parents still fully immersed in their careers? Is their health strong? I know my father isn’t exactly the “aging” or “elderly” grandparent anyone would envision. He happily works as many hours as he did in his forties, and skis and surfs as well as I do (okay, maybe better than I do!). He’s on top of his game, so to speak. In our case, it might make sense to hold off a few years before having “the talk,” when he’s more emotionally inclined to discuss his retirement years.
That said, numerous parents in their early sixties are winding down, selling their primary homes, or experiencing some health problems. All of these are major life-changing events that provide the perfect opportunity to start the discussion. While I certainly don’t recommend waiting until there’s a crisis, I do think you need to strike at the right time, otherwise your parents won’t be ready to have a real conversation with (themselves) or you.
Make Sure You Ask In The Right Way
I always tell people the best time to start talking to your parents about their long-term planning is in a low-key, intimate environment. I wouldn’t sit them down at the kitchen table like my mother did for my “talk,” and I wouldn’t involve your spouse or all of your siblings at the same time if you can avoid it. In fact, for many families, it’s a good idea to pick one adult child as the point person, so your parents don’t have to go through everything multiple times.
Try to raise the issue in terms of someone else you know (“My friend Lauren was just telling me she spoke to her mom about….”) or reference this article you read on a women’s finance site that has you thinking. Both are neutral ways of getting the ball rolling, and let you deflect some of the awkwardness and start opening up the lines of communication about this crucial financial planning issue.
Stay tuned for the second part in this series that covers the financial and legal documents you should make sure your parents are preparing for their retirement years.
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